XXX Return of Xander Cage (2017)

It doesn't take long into the running time of XXX Return of Xander Cage to get confused. If watched with any kind of a thinking mind at all you feel like you are watching a spoof of spy movies along the lines of Austin Powers. Everything about XXX Return of Xander Cage is so silly you think this is a comedy. But the film is sincere and you start to figure out, no they're serious, and you begin to wonder how anyone thought this was a good idea.

The plot is ridiculous. Sure there are better movies with similarly ridiculous plots so that doesn't sink the film. The dialogue is so inane and childish, you expect "that's what she said" to be uttered after every line. The film is often unintentionally hilarious I found myself laughing out loud at moments which were supposed to be cheer inducing. And then there are the set pieces, the action sequences, which are designed to be as unrealistic as possible. This is the major failing of this movie. Perhaps we could have bought into all the rest of the silliness if the action hadn't been so headshakingly over the top, so physics defyingly maddening, so teenage boy fantasy inducing that you can't buy it at all.

You see XXX Return of Xander Cage is for 14 year olds, well 14 year olds who don't understand that women are human beings, who think that being a man is about being stronger/faster/bigger than the next man, and who have little to no need for facts about technology or global politics. XXX Return of Xander Cage feels like a joke, like you're designing a film to be as asinine, as cliched, and as down right stupid as the cliche of an action movie can be. Only it's not aware that it is the joke it is. It thinks this is how an action movie should be. And it's just not.

The diverse cast is a bonus but having them in such a mindnumbing film is a disappointment. Having Yen, Padukone, Collette, Jaa, Rose, and Samuel (frickin) Jackson in this is a waste. Vin Diesel's never had the believable screen presence to feel anything more than silly on screen and XXX is the highlight to that truth. This is for the most adolescent out there and I fear even many 14 year olds will find this a bit tired.

XXX Return of Xander Cage
Starring: Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Toni Collette, Deepika, Padukone, Kris Wu, Tony Jaa, Ruby Rose, and Samuel L. Jackson
Director: D. J. Caruso
Writer: F. Scott Frazier